How do you want your eggs?

I started waiting tables again, but it's nothing like my old serving job. It's night and day, literally. I used to work from 5pm to 2am and now I work from 8am to 4pm. The new arrangement works out much better for me. There are other things I like about this job in comparison to my other one as well.

• It's not corporate, so there aren't all these ridiculous rules about behavior we have to abide by. Don't get me wrong, I believe that basic hygiene should be honored, but I don't think I should have to answer the phone with a very specific greeting.
• I like that I can walk around with the phone on my ear while I'm ringing in tables orders and refilling coffee. I'm not on a personal call of course, but I don't have to stop doing whatever it is I'm doing just because the restaurant received a call.
• No bar service! We have wine and beer, but it's a breakfast joint so we don't see a lot of it. Naturally I doubt I will ever have to cut someone off there. At my old job I cut off eight people after the Basilica Block Party one year. Fucking Catholics...
• I am done at 4pm at the latest. I may have mentioned this before, but man it's nice to see daylight after a closing shift.
• It's only 50 feet from the farthest point in the restaurant to the expo line. I used to walk miles a night in the gargantuan restaurant before.
• People seem to be much happier about going out for breakfast than they do for dinner. Maybe it's the lowered expectations or maybe less has happened in their day to make them pissy.
• Nobody checks out your sidework. People actually trust you to do your work there. How sweet is that?

Of course I could probably come up with a list of things I don't like about the place too, but what fun would that be?

Lunch stimulates my brain--internally and otherwise

Here are some things I learned today:

• Radishes are an excellent food if you are looking to get full without a lot of calories. (Apparently a cup is about 20 calories.) They are also spicy delicious root vegetables that make me think of summer, farmer's market and my friend Jean.
• Tomatoes are a close relative of the plant belladonna (Italian for beautiful woman). Belladonna is poisonous--ingestion of one leaf can be fatal to an adult--and was used in flying powder by witches, according to folklore.
• A serving of spinach has more iron in it than a 6 ounce serving of beef. Veggies unite! But in order for your body to absorb it, it must be combined with Vitamin C. Coincidence that tomatoes and spinach taste so good together? I think not!
• Hummus is one of the oldest known consumed foods in the world.

I learned all this from my lunch. Learning from the things we do everyday is important, and I rejoice every time I have the opportunity.

A Sample Cover Letter (feel free to use it)

A friend of mine and I have been working on applying for jobs. The biggest bitch is writing the cover letter. I will walk around the room trying to think of the perfect thing to write. While my brain searches for something, I inevitably stumble across a few four-letter words and sentences that either don't pertain or are just plain inappropriate.

My friend thought some of this stuff was pretty funny, so I thought why not put it out there for more people to laugh at? Or just for my own entertainment...

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to express my interest in your position for whatever the hell you might be willing to pay me for. After reviewing your vague and incomplete job description in one of the countless job search website hells, I believe that I could con my way into an interview with you.

I have nine years of combined international education and work experience, but I doubt that you really give a shit. I could list several experiences I have had over the years that might make me stand out, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say that I'm one foxy chick and you might enjoy seeing me around the office.

Your qualifications suggest that I should be driven to provide good customer service. Well, no shit. Unless I was applying for an underground lab assistant position, one would assume I would be dealing with other people. I am able to deal with criticism although I prefer compliments. I believe my philosophy on customer service is refreshing: If the customer wasn't so stupid, my job would be a lot easier.

I am also familiar with working with sales people, as I manage several accounts for the fuckers at my current position. I create and manage all the Excel work for our office, but that has more to do with the fact that they're a bunch of idiots who can barely send an email and less to do with my spreadsheet management skills. As if to help prove this point, they asked me, a non-native English speaker, to edit our company’s website for content.

I've attached my resume for you to print out, use as a coaster for your coffee cup and eventually give to your secretary (who probably has a higher IQ than you) to shred. I will say that I am the perfect candidate for your position if only because I am a fine piece of ass who will put up with annoying middle-management requests for at least one year. Please feel free to contact me at your convenience, which will probably be at some ungodly hour of the morning after I've been on a week-long bender. I look forward to speaking with you.

Best regards,
Your New Employee

The best teacher we have is ourselves

My cousin's graduation announcement arrived in my mailbox today. After the initial shock of seeing his senior picture (I remember him being born!), I started to think a little about new beginnings and expectations. That's the idea, right?

While graduation is a clear example of the end of one thing and the beginning of something else, we are faced with these situations throughout our lives. It can be unsettling to be in a position where we have to say goodbye to what we've become comfortable with and hello to what we know little about.

There are certain expectations people have for us and that we have for ourselves. The longer we settle into a pattern, the less often we have these expectations. We tried this and it didn't work out. We set a goal and achieved it. Now what's next? Many times we forget to ask what's next, and instead pat ourselves on the back for what we can and try and forget the failures.

I have been having some anxiety about this lately, as I am moving away from a city that has hosted a world of achievements and letdowns for me to a place I have never been. In the beginning, I assigned a negative emotion to this feeling. Anxiety in itself has a negative connotation.

Anxiety can be a good thing -- a marker that our body and brain are still working. Of course we feel stress when we go through major change--it's part of nature's plan. Learning to deal with it and work through it is what separates us from the animals. We can move out of our comfort zone. We should. Habits and routine can be good to a point, but not if it's keeping us from setting goals and moving forward.

I challenge all of us to look at the beginning and end points of things in our life. It doesn't have to be as obvious as graduating, buying a house or changing jobs. It can be as simple as a new workout routine or a new friend. These things cause stress and anxiety at almost undetectable levels. They also create new expectations for us. If we can navigate our way through these, then certainly we can accomplish whatever it is we want in this life.

Is that the best your brain could come up with?

There is a website where one can rent designer purses, jewelry, watches and sunglasses. Apparently I'm a little behind in the times, because this has been going on for sometime, as my friend pointed out. Now I have enough problems with the whole designer bag phenomenon as it is, but I'm trying to see other points of view: you own it forever and they tend to be good quality, etc. But renting one?

Who are you trying to impress? Because I can only see that side when it comes to renting Gucci or Louis Vuitton for between $40 and $400 a month. You care far too much about the facade -- about what people are saying about you.

I'm thinking about starting my own business: rent a personality. I can create a truly amazing life for you with my incredible imagination. I can give you silly quirks, interesting anecdotes, mental illnesses (that shouldn't be too tough) and diverse musical taste. What about a crippling fear of Styrofoam? Oh sure, that too.

The sad thing about my business is that it would require so much work for my customers to acquire their personalities that they would be better off just doing it themselves. But people don't like to do work. People want things handed to them, which is why they're depending on credit for the gas to drive their financed BMW while sporting rented Ray Bans. And still they want more. And still they are unhappy.

Now normally I try to keep my blog pretty optimistic. But what's the sense of having your own blog if you can't rant on occasion? It's just tragic that people think they have to be a certain way.

I'm not saying I have the answers to how everyone should live, but if human beings didn't care so much about what their possessions said about them, the Earth might be a more interesting place. But then again, maybe keeping the masses chasing shit they don't need keeps them out of the way for the real visionaries and prophets.

Dairy Queen brings the consumer out of me

I went into the skyway system in downtown Minneapolis today and was struck with a sudden need to have Dairy Queen. While this in itself is not weird (I love Blizzards and would eat one every day if I could), I noticed that the last time I was in the skyway I really wanted something ... anything.

The skyway encourages the want in me. And in most people I think. It reminds me of rats in a maze: go through the correct way and get your reward. Turn right at the TCF Tower and you'll get to Starbucks where you will purchase and receive your coffee, your incentive for making it through the maze and through the day.

Living in a capitalist country makes this sort of thing the norm. Unfortunately it also encourages debt and living paycheck-to-paycheck. Think of all that interest being paid on venti mochacchinos!

I have a few friends who don't have credit cards and don't have debt. They are definitely the minority. I strive to not want things, whatever it may be, but it can be difficult. And easy to swing into the extreme.

I ask myself, Do I really need this? And the answer is most times no. But where is the reward in the maze for someone who doesn't want? Maybe it's about getting out of the maze, but until that day I guess I'll just enjoy the people-watching.