Ho! Ho! Hope your mortgage payments are current!

Those who know me know I'm not the biggest fan of the holidays, mostly because I can't stand the commercialization and pressure to spend with no thought to where we're actually going to come up with the money.

So instead of gifts this year, I spent my time feeding homeless and displaced families a holiday meal. This is the sixth year Rock Bottom (my former employer) has put on this event. Families sit down to a nice meal with linen tablecloths, kids get to hang out with Santa, and everyone gets shoes, jackets and toiletries. They also have a professional photo taken together.

Here is a link to some footage from that day:

http://gannett.a.mms.mavenapps.net/mms/rt/1/site/gannett-kare-3323-pub01-live/current/launch.html?maven_playerId=articleplayer&maven_referralPlaylistId=playlist&maven_referralObject=976387878

It's a nice time. I did it for Easter this year as well. I encourage everyone to do something like this around the holidays. It's the best kind of gift.

The next day I had to return to work. While our corporate office got the day after Christmas off, we had to come in. We had some of our busiest days on Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. What do I do for a living? I process mortgage foreclosures in Hennepin County. I suddenly understand the phrase There is no rest for the wicked.

I've always maintained that corporate responsibility is an oxymoron, but the juxtaposition between these two days was enough to show me that there is a lesser evil in the corporate world. And while I don't doubt that my employer has some charitable organization set up, I'm all about immediate gratification! I mean, c'mon! I'm an American, and it's Christmas after all!

Maybe Jesus drove a tow truck

I've been called a Scrooge on more occasions than I care to admit. I don't participate in the Secret Santa/Snowflake whatever-ness at work. I've never been into decorating trees. And I certainly don't condone the atmosphere of consumer spending and greed that accompanies the holidays.

This year things have changed. I have a Christmas station on my Pandora. I made lefse. The words "I love the holidays!" have actually come out of my mouth. There are a lot of reasons, but the one I would like to share seems to be the most unlikely: I celebrated the Solstice at the impound lot after a snow emergency.

A friend's out-of-town guest left his car on a snow emergency street and it was towed. My friend had no experience with this, but apparently the thought If anyone has had her car towed in this city, it would be Rebecca ran through her head. I agreed to go with them, and I knew what I was in for -- but hey! The City Pages said that it was the best people watching in town, and that's one of my favorite pastimes.

We spent three hours in line jumping up and down,

dancing and chatting with our fellow towees.

When it's -10 F, this is how you keep warm:

One dude kept his car running and we each took turns hanging out in it. It was a party.

Some other girls swapped boots every now and then to keep their feet warm.

This lady shared her towel with a dude without a hat.

(Apparently all of this was very newsworthy; my friend saw me dancing on the news.)

The thing that struck me most was how everyone there was in such a good mood! Not only were we all standing outside in the bitter cold to pay $140 to get our cars out of the lot, but we were standing outside in the bitter cold for THREE hours!

Our feeling of camaraderie was so strong that I was almost sad to say goodbye when it came time to get our cars. And that, my friends, is why I love the holidays! The most unlikely situations seem to be blessed.

Pardon our dust--this area of your world is closed for remodeling

This past weekend I had the opportunity to visit the San Diego Zoo. My favorite animals were the elephants, the black panther, and of course the hippopotamus. There were some cute baby bears there, which inevitably brought out the awww-how-cute in me.

(I'm not even going to try to tangent on zoos...let's just say it all depends on the personality of the animal. Hey, look at reality TV! I don't fit in, but there are several humans that do.)

Seeing these animals born in captivity made me wonder what natural habitat actually means. After a few generations of grizzly bears, will they even know that they might not belong there? The zoo keepers are doing their best to mimic their natural surroundings. Except for that weird stirring of instinct, what's to tell them that it's not their home?

Coincidentally I finished The City of Ember during that same week. It's a young adult novel, and the premise is this: A city was built underground to last 200 years in preparation for some disaster. During that time the instructions (given to the mayor to be passed down to each successor) were lost. Because of this, the people forgot where they came from while supplies dwindled from their limited storage. I won't spoil the ending.

What if the world we live in isn't really where we belong? What if we're living in a zoo? I wonder what would happen if we woke up tomorrow and things had drastically changed: the trees had purple leaves, the sky was green, and oil and water mixed (which I heard has happened). Would people even notice?

My friend once said that if a bomb went off in the street by our office most people would just keep working. I don't know if that's true, but the conversation took place on a day that a port-a-pottie was swinging from a crane about three stories above the ground. No one looked at it twice.

I don't know when we all stopped paying attention, but I'm guessing it's about the same time we started paying $1 for a bottle of tap water. We're all text messaging and listening to podcasts on our iPods while driving 65 mph down the freeway. (I cringe when I say I'm guilty of this -- except I was doing about 80.)

What gives me hope is that I'm running into more and more people who are aware of their surroundings. And this encourages me to do the same. Often I say I want to be around anyone who will make me a better person. They fall under this category. I guess I just want to do the same for others. So let's all keep our eyes open together: maybe pigs really can fly.

What kind of movie do you want to star in?

Moving sucks. Helping someone move sucks too, but it's the only way they'll help you move when you inevitably will have to endure the unfortunate adventure. But on this particular day, it wasn't such a mundane experience. A friend and I were driving in a giant moving truck down 35W at night when we saw lights flashing on the side of the road. She started to move over and slow down, when bam! We hit a couch in the middle of the road.

My friend's reaction was pretty natural..."I did the right thing right?!?" But really? A couch in the middle of the highway? Who saw that coming?

Later on in the evening we were driving down 94W to return me home and in the distance we saw a semi in front of us with its doors swinging wide open and no cargo in the back. And it was still barreling down the road at 55 mph. We were about to drive past the driver and flag him down when I noticed the bio hazard diamond on the side of the truck. Do I need to repeat that there was no cargo?

This all happened October 1. But it wasn't until I played Halo this weekend (I know - I played video games?) that these events came back to the front of my consciousness. Doesn't this remind you of something you would see in Resident Evil? I think so. And I'm sure these sort of things happen a lot more often than just once in a while. I just haven't been looking for them.

Many things are like that: hidden until you look for them. Life is what you make of it, after all.

I'd like you to meet my long-time lover Minneapolis.

The past two weekends I have been entertaining out-of-town guests. It's something I enjoy doing because I love to cook, drink, eat, dance and meander, all of which I have a free pass to do when friends are in town. (I can't do laundry -- I have company!) Add that to the fact that I love showing people around Minneapolis, and it makes for ridiculous fun.

The thing is these are new friends. And they aren't from another state; they're from another country: Sweden. I'm not a competitive sort on many levels, but when it comes to my home I'm pretty damn proud. My city can definitely kick your city's ass. But that's when it comes from the U.S. You're from Europe? Your city is 1000 years old? Suddenly I feel like I do when people start talking wine -- way out of my league.

But Minneapolis took care of it for me. One of my new favorite local bands, Just.Live, happened to have a gig last weekend. (They don't play in town often these days.) It suddenly became spring in late November making it easy for me to show off the sculpture garden and the great walks around the lakes. Did you know the Foshay Tower has an observation deck? There may not be mountains in Minneapolis, but that was the next best thing. And I love how easy it is to wander into a bar in Northeast with absolutely no plan and end up heading to see Alex Rossi and company at a venue even I've never been to.

So now it's Sunday and it snowed. I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect way to spend the weekend and my friend doesn't want to leave. I gotta say I don't blame her. Minneapolis makes life pretty effortless. It's no wonder I ended staying here for seven years.

When I paint this into larger brushstrokes I see how real relationships are effortless as well. I'm not saying there aren't times when you want to call it quits with friends or family (Minneapolis winters are no picnic), but when it's good it happens without trying. You don't have to speak. You can read and paint without a worry what the other is doing, just enjoying each other's presence. Just comfortable.

My security blanket is on fire

On the eve of the union election at work I have become painfully aware of uncertainty. Will we vote to be in the union or not? For months I have been telling myself how important it is to be comfortable being uncomfortable, and I gotta say I thought I was getting pretty good at it.

My friend and I were talking about words or concepts that are meaningless. Things like "normal" and "perfect" were two we could both agree on. The words mean something so different to everyone. And tonight I wonder: What is certainty? What is comfort? Are these words so relative that they are also nebulous?

What are we certain of? The old adage tells us only taxes and death. What provides us comfort? I would argue that many of the things we think provide us comfort are only habits long formed.

People will stay in an unsatisfying relationship with their dentist, spouse, hairdresser, etc. just because the thought of leaving is too much of a hassle. We cook the same six recipes because our brains don't have to work to choose new ones, remember to buy ingredients and go through different motions in the kitchen. The more I think about the things that provide me with what I thought was comfort, the more I realize maybe I've just been doing them because I've always been doing them.

I read a story about how an old spiritual teacher would tie his cat up while he was leading meditation to keep it from bothering others. The teacher died but the cat lived for a few more years, during which time it would always be tied up during meditation. When the cat died no one would meditate because they believed the cat needed to be tied up in order for meditation to be effective. They never knew or had forgotten the reason it was tied up to begin with.

Being comfortable has led to a lot of laziness. Asking why we do things and why something makes us feel the way it does may take a little work, but is well worth it. We may suddenly see why life is so beautiful and how little we need for it to be that way.

Will you sign my yearbook?

I started listening to my iPod again earlier this week. One of the first songs it went to on random was "Beautiful People" by Marilyn Manson. I had to laugh a little at myself for how much angst I had as a teenager. But it got me thinking...and then I read my cousin's note on Facebook about adolescence.

I often mutter the phrase "You couldn't pay me enough money to go through high school again." I like to think If only I knew then what I know now. But lately I have to wonder how much things have changed:

• When getting ready for a house-warming party, I chastised myself for wondering what I should wear. My friend called me a few minutes later with the same question.
• My friends and I still analyze the notes (emails, texts) we get from friends and romantic interests. Gossip and boys are still at the top of the order of most of our conversations.
• I know where the cute boys work in the skyway. (Again with the boys!)
• Try as I might, I still care what people think of me. I don't think I'm alone here.

As I sat trying to write some poignant advice to my cousin from someone who had "been there" I realized that maybe I still am there. Yeah sure, I might not be teased for being a band nerd anymore (well not teased often anyway) but the self-centered, adolescent mentality that everyone else is thinking something about you is still there. This reminds me of two things I read somewhere:

1. Don't take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.

Baseball will save my soul.

Today is the Autumn Equinox. There are equal amounts of sunlight and darkness all around the planet today. That sort of balance encourages me to seek out more beauty, life and love. So...

...I am going to two Twins games this week! It is about time! I have been to 16 games this year but I think these will be the best ones of the season. Like many Americans, I am going to forget all the problems in this world with beer and baseball. I am hoping to avoid the words economy, gas prices, and any mention of the current mortgage "crisis."

Let's go Twinkies...October here we come!!

Fitness begins in the brain - or - Can you believe the jokers at the beach?

Yesterday at the beach this dude was stretching for about 15 minutes before he went into the water to swim. Of course I was checking him out. He looked pretty serious about his craft. He got into the water and started the front crawl--his arms were flailing about and his head was completely out of the water swaying around like a small child lost at a mall. It was ridiculous. And hilarious.

Today two dudes in their underwear ran by us on the beach. One with an orange sweatband on his head, the other with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Both were a bit out of shape. Pretty sure it was done as a dare.

What this really brought to my attention is that many people might look serious at first glance about something (in this case fitness) but after considering them further really they don't have the discipline or love to give it the attention it deserves.

While I enjoy the feeling of getting a lot of things accomplished at once, I think that multitasking might be bad on some levels. Nothing gets the love and attention it deserves--kind of like talking on the phone to someone who is watching TV or surfing the web. I baked bread tonight and gave it all my attention and love. It tastes fantastic. I think more of life would taste wonderful if we exercised discipline and gave it the care it needs.

This blog is brought to you by FCI

Last week I sent a message to my friend on Facebook telling him how I really didn't like the desert because the only experience I had with it was neon lights and soul-sucking gambling. Since then many of the advertisements on my page have had something to do with gambling addiction hotlines.

Last night I was told by a friend that Bert's Bees products are actually owned by Clorox. We then discussed how sooner or later the air we breath in Steven's Square (or Phillips or LynLake) will be brought to us by some corporate sponsor -- most likely Best Buy or 3M.

This morning I read that the new Twins stadium will be called Target Field. (For now I will just ignore the fact that it was mostly funded with public money. That's for another rant.)

You know how people freak out about our children being desensitized to violence at a young age? What about them being desensitized to advertising? I know some people that don't even notice that Volkswagen paid for product placement in the Bourne movies, and the company had corresponding car commercials!

Being a journalism major gives me a small window into the psychology of advertising and it frightens me that some people don't notice the barrage of commercials, billboards, and mind-reading advertising.

(Side note: If you read The DaVinci Code -- one of the most popular books in the past years-- did you notice the product placement in it? IN A BOOK???? Ack!)

I have challenged myself to rethink the attitude I have about wants and needs. I think this is one of the only ways to battle the steep mind control we are up against.

I still consult my ethics textbooks from freshman year

September 13, 2008 - Saturday

I have a new stylist. It was a big deal to find her. I went to three other ones before I stumbled upon her almost literally on my morning walk. It only took a year and a half after my sister moved.

A lot of people spend more time concerning themselves with who does their hair than their doctor. Did you ever stop and think about how weird it would be if you applied the logistics of health insurance to other things in your life?

"I really would like to cut my hair/take a shower/make some dinner but I don't have insurance. I'm not really sure how much it would cost but I know it must be terribly expensive because these people with fancy degrees on the wall keep telling me it is."

Who decided health should be a commodity? People have become so greedy that they are assaulting me on the beach with their guerilla marketing. What makes me so angry is how intimidating the whole "health" world is. I love to bike and really enjoy talking to people about it but there are so many elitists that don't want to share it. The same goes for veggies. Why wouldn't you want to make these things more attractive to everyone? Why are we keeping this such a secret? The most good for the most people, right?
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"1984" scares me, or Nobody said life is fair

September 8, 2008 - Monday

When I was younger I had to earn all of my money to buy a car. My younger sisters both had cars at 16 and no, they didn't buy them. I paid for college myself. I don't want to know how they paid for their educations.

I'm not trying to whine--I'm over all that. I've just been curious as to why exactly it was OK to help them and not me. And this curiosity leads me to look at a bigger picture and ask:

Why is it that much of the conservative party will use big government to bail us out of economic crisis but not environmental or social crisis? What makes one more special than the other? Why is it OK on one hand to help out ailing banks with unethical lending practices and on the other hand watch as food prices and obesity rates soar and fast food prices go down?

Bail out the rich and leave the masses to wallow in their reality TV and Taco Bell. I guess I just have to take comfort in the fact that not everyone thinks like certain Republicans.

My peripheral vision is better than most

September 7, 2008 - Sunday

Sunday mornings:
Coffee steaming out of my chipped cup
Rain dripping off the trees
Flannel sheets
Eggs at 11 am
Ben Harper, Dave Matthews, The Cure
Newspaper--the paper and ink kind
Sweet melancholy like the salty taste of tears

You can still see someone approach when your eyes are closed. It's just their shadow.

I got my Google degree in plastic surgery...

September 4, 2008 - Thursday

Aren't you interested in maybe getting liposuction or a nose job? Perhaps I could offer you a facelift? I mean, I don't have a ton of experience yet, but this is how you learn, right?

I experimented a little on my cat. Unfortunately he died, but it's not like humans and cats are the same! It's probably way easier to work on a more complex and large creature. And besides, I spent a weekend really studying up on everything I could find on the Internet. I have to be a genius by now. At the very least I am a skilled novice. You should let me give it a shot!

****
There is not a lot I really like about Sarah Palin. I have to admit I'm not trying very hard, but I don't think I should have to. No one who has such little experience should be in line to be our president! It shouldn't even be an option.

You know those job descriptions we look at but know we aren't qualified for? Those six-figure income occupations we might get when we're ten years older and have another college degree? Or maybe just belonging to a secret society is enough these days.

My neighborhood sold its soul to the devil

September 3, 2008 - Wednesday

Last night I went outside and all I could hear was helicopters and low-flying planes. The sirens kept me up; I had to shut my windows on a lovely summer/fall evening. This morning I had to switch sidewalks three times to avoid road blocks, and I counted 19 cop cars, vans and swat vehicles in a three block radius.

A round of applause for the RNC--they sure know how to turn every place they invade into a war zone in a matter of days, if not hours.

In another dimension this was written last Tuesday

August 30, 2008 - Saturday

My life is full of outrageous characters and funny stories. My sister jumped on the bar of her cruise ship and belted out "The Star Spangled Banner" after a group of her friends were giving her a hard time about Americans not knowing their national anthem. My friend Johanna's solution to vitamin deficiency is "Eat a fucking orange." One of my bosses painted a compass on his floor and labeled the different directions: basement, kitchen, living room and wall.

But my curiosity is peaked by the events that don't happen and the characters I don't meet. I had this great idea to sun bathe at the fountain at the government center over my lunch break. It's a fairly crowded downtown area with a lot of business professionals. What kind of stir would me stripping my business casual uniform in favor of more suitable attire for the weather create? Although I doubt I would really be breaking any laws, I most certainly would be asked to cover up at one point or another. Or maybe Big Brother would surprise me and it would go off without a hitch and I would get a savage tan on my lunch hour..

Here are just a few people I would like to get to know: the dude jogging while wearing the button-down shirt, the guy with a weight vest power walking, and the mid-30sish gentleman roller-skating in a prom dress and sweat bands. And this was all just around the lake. Imagine all the other characters out there.

Fear is the path to the Dark Side

August 29, 2008 - Friday

Without getting too into politics (is it even possible these days?) I want to offer my top three things I love/hate about the RNC in St. Paul this year.

I hate:
--that the normally chill people at my job are freaking out like it's the second coming and that the normally insane people are say "Republican National...wha? Oh that's nice." like they're talking about a new Arby's sandwich or something
.--Fat Cats. And I'm not talking about Claude either.
--That I have to work harder to ensure that my deliveries don't destroy the delicate balance that Homeland Security has created around St. Paul.

I love:
--that the bars are open until 4 a.m. (Not that I'm into that sort of thing!)
--that The Daily Show is coming! Check out this billboard they have up outside of the airport:























--that after it's all over maybe people in Minnesota will be so turned off by Republicans they'll have the good sense to vote Democrat!

Can you really get a pedicure with your guy friends?

August 16, 2008 - Saturday

You know what is so sad is that so many of us women were brought up on a steady diet of Cinderella and The Little Mermaid. Maybe the former had a pretty lousy life before her prince charming, but she ran her house and really didn't need a man. Just a better estate lawyer. And Ariel? Well she was just a dreamer. All that natural curiosity and all she wanted was to make out with a prince? I doubt it…they should have started that movie when she kissed Eric so that we could see what an amazing woman she became on land because she never stopped asking questions. She could have been a great writer or at the very least a life guard.

Why were so many girls shown that happily ever after is just the wedding and nothing after? Isn't that when your life is supposed to begin? The falling is fun but the real shit begins after the fireworks finale.

Or maybe for a second we should consider what life would be like if all the women in this world realized they didn't need men the way the once thought they did. I don't mean that we don't need them at all. I think that they can be wonderful friends and lovers if held at the right distance.

I think that women are the masters of giving great advice and very seldom following it for themselves. So where does that leave us? We tell each other how to be in a relationship, we tell each other to kick that man to the curb, we tell each other that we'll be there, but so many of us won't take it to heart. And the others say it half-heartedly.

But what about women friends? Who can you trust? I've heard if they aren't trying to steal your clothes they're trying to steal your man. And I guess maybe you can make a case for that. But if we kept our guard down a little bit and were completely honest instead of showing half our hand we could be so much more close. It's true you need to give trust to get it.

Why do women work against each other when together we could easily rule the world? Of course I think evolutionarily it boils down to who is going to get the better man for breeding. But when you put it all down on paper, women have to be everything to everyone almost all the time. We have to be the career woman, amazing mom, sex goddess, dedicated athlete, accountant, gourmet chef, beauty queen and entertainer. And that's just Monday. What about us? What about all of our passion and love for the world? Why wouldn't we take more time to develop and cultivate in each other the things we all care for? I mean, c'mon ladies!

God bless the BBC, PBS and the The Daily Show

August 10, 2008 - Sunday

This weekend I watched some of the best athletes in the world smack around a volleyball on the beach and make swimming thousands of meters look like fun. I love the Olympics. I'm not the competitive sort, but I really get into the idea that the entire world can look to something at the same time (that isn't a tragedy) and come together.

This summer Olympics are the first I have watched in years. In fact, I think the last time I even remember anything about the Olympics is Kerri Strug and holy sh*t! Was that really 1996? Youch. I guess school and working constantly will do that to you.

I noticed something that maybe I should've noticed awhile ago. At first I thought that because I am in the media world maybe I am more sensitive to it. But after asking my friend from Norway, maybe not. Is it just me or does the American media have the most arrogant air about them?

(I want to put a disclaimer here. I love my country. I am proud to be an American. I know that might sound cheesy, but I truly am. That being said, there are a lot of things I am embarrassed about and media, namely television, is one of them. That and McDonalds.)

I want to see *all* the athletes competing! I want to see every one of them. How many times can you show me the American competing? Aren't there a few other countries out there somewhere? Has it always been this way? (The idealist in me says no, but the realist dwelling in my basement shakes his head "Yes you idiot!") I guess that's just reason number 4,217 to kill your television.

At least it wasn’t a Taser death

July 27, 2008 - Sunday

Yesterday morning I stepped outside to a cop car and ambulance parked in the alley. At first I wasn't going to ask what happened, but because my neighbor is new to the area I felt complled to assure the city was safe.

I approached the officer and asked if something bad happened in my building. He balked a bit at telling me but ended up saying that some guy beat up his girlfriend. I thanked him and told my neighbor that we didn't have anything to worry about--it was just a domestic dispute.

It didn't dawn on me until a little later how tragic it was. It's awful that a woman was hurt by her lover. What's even worse is how quickly I filed it into the category of "Not My Problem."

I wonder how often I do that without even thinking about it. I like to think I'm an optimistic, upbeat person. Is that because I ignore a lot of reality or because I look at the good side of it?

I thought Mel Gibson was convincing in "Conspiracy Theory"

July 24, 2008 - Thursday

Today I drank a Coca Cola at work. I was trying to explain my forbidden love affair with it when my friend asked me if I would like to eat an entire cup of brown sugar because, really, that's all it is. I responded that I thought it was high-fructose corn syrup. Her eyes got wide and with a very serious look she said, "Corn is so horrible. Corn is the root of all evil."

After one of the best laughs I have had in a long time -- you know the kind where there are tears streaming down your face, your stomach aches and you're gasping for air -- I asked what the hell she could possibly mean. She proceeds to tell me about a PBS documentary (called King Corn I believe) that she saw. It told of all the ills of corn and how there was some sort of marketing shift in the '70s to brainwash all of us into thinking it was good. "It's man made," she said solemnly.

This launched me back into a place I haven't been in a while. How is it possible to be socially concious when there are so many things wrong with the world? How much of it is hype and how much is truly threatening?

I like to adopt the Mark Twain way of looking at things: "I've known a lot of troubles in my time -- and most of them never happened." Resolve not to worry. I'm not saying we shouldn't all have our causes we truly believe in, but I think it is too easy to get overwhelmed by all that could be wrong. And when that happens nothing gets done.

Park Point reminds me of the ocean in many ways

July 20, 2008 - Sunday

I sat on the beach yesterday and it rained after 30 minutes or so. Today I laid out at the beach for about two hours. I played sand volleyball on a patio downtown. What a lovely weekend. I can't believe I didn't start enjoying them sooner.

I have this book called 50 Things that Really Matter. It has things like bubble baths, a good cup of coffee and afternoon naps.The idea of the book is to find value in what really matters in life instead of looking for meaning in material things. I guess I don't really have a problem with that, but I like the book.

There are so many things that make me sigh with contentment. I think I could fill a book with hundreds of things that really matter. The one that comes to mind today though is going barefoot in the sand. The grittiness in between your toes and how soft it makes your feet feel--it always reminds me of summer. Plus I love how different places have different types of sand and how soft some of it can be. And isn't it crazy how sand can be so hot it can burn you?

Things change and get crazy sometimes but I think these sort of things need to be considered more often than they maybe do. At least that's my take on it today.

Who brought in the coffee cup that asks "Who wants to kill a millionare?"

July 9, 2008 - Wednesday

I no longer own a car. But when I did, I loved to belt out "Somebody to Love" by Queen. I do a mean rendition when I get around to karoke. I swear it. But this simple pleasure is one of many that I forget until I'm reminded by the random selection on my stereo.

I ran out of contacts and had to wear my glasses for three weeks! In summer! not only is it hot and sweaty and hard to deal with but I LOVE wearing sunglasses.

Goodness, the small things. Habits that are hard to break. Aren't they things that might annoy you at times but really you embrace?

Optimism might seem a bit off. Pragmatism isn't half bad right? I say embrace and laugh at all of the things you can't live without that make no sense. Love them and change them often.

Here are a few assignments I have undertaken:

-Quit skipping past songs when I have my stereo on random. Isn't that the point?
-Do the things I always say "I should do that sometime" to. (ie: eat at a certain restaurant, go to a particular park, etc.)
-Slow down and remember smells. Ah the Japanese lilacs get me every time!
-Notice the patterns of people in my day--the motorcyclist who likes to break with his feet on 2nd Ave and the bicyclist with the cool Pumas.

I struggle with where to put the apostrophe in "two weeks’ notice"

July 4, 2008 - Friday

I supposed the requisite "Happy Independence Day" is in order. But also let's celebrate my independence from the Rock Bottom.

That's right. After more than six years, finally, it's time to leave. The reason, I have been telling people, is that I'm going back to school in January so I want to have a little time to have a life before that.

But do I need a reason? How about I don't wanna work so much? Maybe having a few days off a week kicks so much ass I can't do it justice with words...and I fancy myself a writer.

I was talking to a friend from Rock Bottom today and I told her the money wasn't really making or breaking me so I didn't want it anymore. And she said something like so many people are in the rat race to make more money just to make more money. And that's about it. Quality of life suffers and it's just bad news.

Now don't get me wrong. I love having money to spend the way I want and I enjoy being comfortable. But who has time to spend it when you're working all the time? And I know damn well that working two jobs isn't comfortable. You can get used to it but it's never what you want.
I used to think I loved to be busy and I do still thrive in a stressful environment, but I know now that in this case, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.

A duh moment.

In the last week I have kind of been wondering what it is I do all day. I mean, yes I deal with lawyers and paralegals and provide customer service and make affidavits of publication and do data work. But is this really what I'm doing all day?

And then I decided to quit one job, go back to school, realize life and control the only thing I can: myself and my choices. Within these few weeks I have been shown that doing what I really think is good for me will actually benefit me. Imagine that!

The opportunities that I've been presented with at work, at home and with friends may have always been there, but this abstract thought has finally made a point to me.

I take care of myself and suddenly I feel so much more at peace. God bless it!

Last night was a good night for outdoor baseball

Before last night I had been to nine Twins games this year. All of them we won. My blissful winning streak came to a halt last night thanks to the Tigers. It was a good game but we ended up losing 5-4.

I'm not so upset about my undefeated status -- all good things must come to an end. I have to admit I'm a bit of a Tigers fan so I'm happy to have it happen with them. Ah the silver lining. Every cloud has one.

A well-placed remark

"You have a nice skull shape," she said to me. I am taken aback. What does that even mean? Apparently she thinks I'm one of the few people that can pull of a head scarf. And so she tells me.

Those are the kind of compliments you don't forget. "I like your outfit" or "You're a good dancer" are nice compliments but you tend to mush them all together in the back of your head where they float around and you don't refer to them often.

The weird ones are great. I'll never put on a hat or scarf (both of which I do often) without thinking about it. And even though I doubt this person will be a large part of my life, she will be forever in my mind.

No news is good news?

Last week I read about a man with autism who was missing in the woods for a week . My heart ached for the family while they were looking for him. Their hope was beginning to wane and I began to expect the worst as I'm sure they were trying not to. (I'm the kind of person that can't look at a missing pet poster or I might burst into tears.) Then came the news. They found him. He is alive.

And it was on the front page of our newspaper in Minneapolis. And I rejoiced. I can't imagine the feeling it must have invoked in his family.

Read the article here:
http://www.startribune.com/local/east/20727164.html?location_refer=$urlTrackSectionName

How often is good news like that on the front page? I've spent my life wrestling with the choice of being informed or being jaded. It seems like the two have become impossible to separate. At least in my mind.

I'm looking for the good news in the newspaper. I might be hiding but I can't believe it's not there. And it might just be something amusing, like the state of North Carolina issuing thousands of license plates beginning the letters WTF. Now that's something to make you smile.

So Hannah Montana is kinda like cupid?

June 22, 2008 - Sunday

Some things I did today:

-Bought a bike helmet that may or may not have a Disney character on it. And I like it.
-Threw out the gazpacho I made. Maybe cold soup isn't such a good idea.
-Told a big dude to cool it at the gym when he impatiently asked me after every set if I was done with my machine...it's Sunday man!

At one point I would have felt bad or said I was sorry about these things. No thanks. Not anymore.

I'm not sure if I grew up apologizing for everything I did or if it is a habit I picked up along the way, but I've decided to stop. Partially because I know a few people who do it and it makes me uncomfortable. But mostly because I think it's a bad idea to be sorry all of the time.

Sometimes we're not sure what we're apologizing for, which is just plain stupid. Other times we're not sorry and that makes us liars as well. And it takes away from the times when we truly are sorry because people don't know whether we said it out of habit or if we actually mean it.
Whatever the case, it's something that's nice to be free of and it makes me wonder what other little habits we all have that put more weight on us than we realize.

Would you be suprised if Christina Aguilera was on my list?

June 19, 2008 - Thursday

So a friend of mine tells me the other day he dislikes the idea of ranking things. I agree and chime in how I like the phrase "in no particular order."
But really, isn't the list with no particular order an order in itself? If I asked you to list the 10 albums that most influenced you, wouldn't the first album that came to your head be the most influential?
Ah, but what about the one that comes around the time you get to number seven and it comes to in a flash and you say, "I can't believe I almost forgot about that album!"?
So is it really about your gut feeling or is it after careful consideration? I find that the latter breeds doubt in your decision-making. But what if you don't trust your stomach?

We experience minor earthquakes every day

May 6, 2008 - Tuesday

No Country for Old Men is a tough book to read. You can cut the tension with a knife. And sometimes I get lost in the dialogue. So when the guy next to me on the bus decided to turn on his speaker phone to jam out to some awful pop/hip-hop song (and if I say it's bad, it must be terrible), I got a little irritated.

Normally in a situation like this I would sigh to myself, pull out my iPod and turn it up as loud as I could to try to drown it all out. But today was different. I turned to him and asked, "Could you turn that down please?" After asking me to repeat myself in a threatening manner he said "It's a free f*ucking country. Go back to reading your book." I started to tell him to stop being so rude when a few other passengers joined my side and the driver told him to turn it off. Sweet!

I've started looking at things I have been doing a little differently. I'm asking more questions, whether it be for a raise at work or directions on a new bus. I remember my dad saying more than once that my generation has a problem with that. We'll just sit back and wait to find out rather than ask. It's been true for me. What a waste of time and worry!

Asking for help is essential when waiting tables. While training I used to stress the importance of this on every shift. Why haven't I applied this in broader strokes?

With these and other small revelations happening almost every day, I wonder why I have spent so much time contemplating something that is hundreds of days (and perhaps hundreds of epiphanies) away. So my next big move is to consider things that are more immediate and let more seismic, albeit simple, events happen within my faults.

Are you my Rand McNally?

April 8, 2008 - Tuesday

Current mood: curious

UNC didn’t make it to the championship game in the NCAA. It surprised a lot of people and pissed off more by busting their brackets. Although this was the first March Madness I paid attention to, it may have had grand implications beyond teaching me that there are no quarters in college basketball and there’s more time on the shot clock than in the NBA.

I have wanted to go to school to be a librarian at UNC for a few years now. In fact, I was pretty sure it was a given I would end up hating Duke for no real reason at one point or another. But in the last few months, I have run into something interesting...the University of Texas-Austin has one of the best law library programs in the nation. Yes, folks--Texas.

So in the spirit of keeping my mind open to anything and everything, I have asked, "Why not?" The wind dies, traffic fades and the silencing is deafening. Ummm...is anyone else freaked the F out here? Me? Texas? Yeah, I’m shaking in my (oh gag) boots.

Has anyone been there? Someone have some insight? Help here! I plan on moving in the next year and will not likely be convinced otherwise. Anything you can say is good. Don’t hesitate...I promise I won’t when I rent the UHaul!

Fifth grade made me a feminist

March 29, 2008 - Saturday

I was listening to Dazed and Confused by Led Zepplin on the way downtown today when the line The soul of woman was created below made me think twice. Now I have always kinda liked this lyric because, quite frankly, it makes us ladies sound pretty bad ass. But today it struck me that maybe it wasn’t quite as cool as I thought.

I consider myself a feminist, and while I might sleep through certain parts of my life, once my passion gets fired up it’s hard to calm it down. (Sort of an "If your’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention" kinda thing.) So I’m walking down the block thinking of the story of Pandora’s box and Eve in the garden of Eden and I’m getting righteously pissed off! The feeling is familiar and almost comfortable. The first time I heard the myth of Pandora I was 11 -- I freaked out at my fifth grade teacher for reading us such a sexist story!

Women have made great strides in the last century to be sure, but there is a fundamental view that hasn’t changed. My friend says it’s because the world tends to see things in black-or-white, yes-or-no terms. The madonna or the whore. The great double-standard. How can this be changed? Can it be? I know I fall into the trap as often as the next person and I’m supposed to believe in equal treatment for both sexes.

I resent Facebook’s remarks, or Can you believe I haven’t blogged about baseball?

March 28, 2008 - Friday

I know that changing anything on Facebook or MySpace means that everyone knows about it. Isn’t that the point of being involved in online social networking? Obviously it gets a little tough explaining a large change in your life to everyone you know, so I actually appreciate these little features. Britni has changed her song…again. Ben posted more photos of himself tempting death while in the miserable cold.

What I want to know is: Why is Facebook putting a little broken heart next to my "Becca has changed her status to single." Now I don’t want to get into whether or not I’m broken-hearted. That’s certainly a silly discussion. The last thing I really want to see from a website is a comment on my life. Can’t it just be objective?

I guess I will have to take it a little less seriously, because life is really too short to let something like that affect you. And plus, baseball starts in March this year!

My favorite holiday has always been Easter

March 23, 2008 - Sunday

I volunteered to serve homeless people and displaced families Easter dinner today. I got goosebumps a million times.
Little kids with Easter baskets, decorating eggs, pics with the Easter Bunny (I’m still somewhat scared of him/it). Heaping plates of food. Thank yous over and over. People coming together on their holiday to give someone else a better holiday. Wow I could get used to this. I think an addiction is festering.
I have been cultivating this optimistic attitude for awhile now. I used to be a professional pessimist--I could find the bad part of anything, even a Twins game! Sick I know. Waking up is a miracle. Clean water kicks ass. I love my kitchen. I have 600 square feet of space for myself and my cat. I could read for years with all the books I own. Plants love to grow for me. Trees accept my hugs with grace. (As if it is possible for a tree to do anything without grace!
In seeking a goal that I want to work toward everyday but can never actually achieve, I think I may have gotten closer to finding it today with the Easter Miracle. And that makes for a damn good day.

TGI F*cking F! or "It Only Tuesday"

February 22, 2008 - Friday

Current mood: bouncy

Today is Friday. It is the daymost 9-to-5ers dream about all week long. I got home at 10:30 pm tonight after a long day to chat with my roomies. We were pretty excited because we all have the night off and "What should we do?" Well, by the time I got home, one of my roomies was sleeping and the other was well on her way. We sat there talking about how sad we were. But really, who cares right?

I propose that we act like every day is the same. Some of those days we have more obligations than others. If that were the case, maybe we would be more happy about life. I don't want to feel obligated to go out and have a good time just because it's Friday! Maybe I want to chill and go to bed at 11. Maybe I want to stay up and party until 3am on a Tuesday. What? Of course, I would never do that because I have to work in the morning! I wonder what would happen if I started treating every day with the same respect. Either I would be hungover at work or waking up at 6am all weekend. Can't I find the happy meduim?

I feel a little light-headed

February 17, 2008 - Sunday

I read a news story about a man slashing a psyhiatrist to death with a knife and a cleaver in such a way that the walls and curtains were covered with blood.The way the story was written made me feel like 1) I was watching an episode of CSI, 2) I was dreaming, and 3) the media and entertainment have become far too violent for me.

OR alternatively...

Am I getting old? I've never really been a fan of blood and gore, but I think it might be getting worse as I've aged. I know for a fact that I loved "The Crow" and "Natural Born Killers" so much I would rewind them (that's something I haven't done in a while!) and play them again. I have to wonder if I would even want to watch those movies if they came out now. I guess I did like "Sin City."

What is going on with this crazy world? I have to wonder. But if I spent all my time worrying about that, when would I have time to play? I can't have that!

Maybe "The Wizard of Oz" isn’t such a bad movie

February 15, 2008 - Friday

I stopped at the Wilderness Pub up 38 to visit some family friends whom we missed on our quick visit to the G Rock. We picked up some Alaskan salmon, chatted for a minute about the weather (here--2 below zero, Alaska--48 above; sick I know), and we headed back to our car and they to their snowmobiles. Seriously, this is where I grew up. Driving back from there I realized there is part of me that misses that. A small part of me.

Can you really go home again? I can't say that I could if we're talking about my childhood stomping grounds. Some of my friends say there is no place like home, and I would agree most times. But this is when you have to ask what your definition of home is. I think having family there definitely makes it for me, but there are many whose family aren't really their parents or relatives. What about something a little less constrained? Home is where you can lay around in your lazy clothes and not care? I kinda like that definition, and I think it would include the good friends that I consider my family.

It's amazing the way family grows and how ideas of family shift. But what doesn't change is that you can always go home to where that family is. I can't thank God enough for that.

My version of fantasy baseball

January 30, 2008 - Wednesday

I have planned my baseball extravaganza! I can not wait and I almost started crying when I figured it all out. Yes, I know I am a complete nerd, but this is something I always have wanted to do. If anyone has any ideas, places to stay or a way to get tickets, please let me know! I am open to suggestions of places to see along the way as well.

The dates are still in flux as of now but here is my basic schedule:
August 15-17 -- Twins vs. Seattle at the Metrodome
August 18-20 – Brewers vs. Houston at Miller Park
August 18-20 – White Sox vs. Seattle at U.S. Cellular Field
August 19-24 – Cubs vs. Cincinnati/Washington at Wrigley Field
August 19-21 – Indians vs. Kansas City at Jacobs Field
August 22-27 – Oriole vs. Yankees/White Sox at Oriole Park
August 22-27 – Phillies vs. Dodgers/Mets at Citizens Bank Park
August 26-31 – Yankees vs. Boston (I don't know how I'm getting tickets yet, but I have my ways!) at Yankee Stadium
August 29-31 – Boston vs. White Sox at Fenway Park
(I wanted to go to Toronto here but no dice. They are in New York. I do want to see Niagara Falls. I know there isn't much time.)
August 29-31 – Detroit vs. Kansas City at Comerica Park
September 1 – Back in Minneapolis!

The laughter of a child (or When I grow up, I wanna be a systems analyst)

January 23, 2008 - Wednesday

In the past few days, my aunt and uncle have been sending me great old photos of me, my sisters and my cousins. My profile photo is me and Laura at their old house.

When I look at those photos it's hard to believe we are the same people. I try to think back at what I wanted to be when I grew up. I used to always tell my dad I wanted to be a lawyer just to piss him off. I get a good laugh about that now that I want to be a law librarian.

What I wonder is how much of what we want as children translates into drive and ambition as adults. Many times in life these desires and dreams are beaten out of our heads as we grow and are told what we can and can't do. (Some might disagree, but regardless of talent and intelligence, everyone has come up against someone or something that has made them think they could not do everything they want.)

Do these situations change our dreams or do our ambitions change as we grow? What about the dreams we tell no one about? Do those ever have the chance to grow and change or do they live a childhood existence in our adult heads? And if that is the case, does that make us deluded or optimistic?

I think many of us let our desires fall to the side as other things come along and as we "grow up." It's not to say that we let go but that we just let them fade with all the other priorities. I want to look at my dreams with the eyes of a child. Anything is possible, right?

What’s a Vikings fan to do?

January 15, 2008 - Tuesday

With the NFC Championship game coming up on Sunday, I am usually pretty excited for one team or the other to win. This year, however, is a completely different story. In one corner, the Green Bay Packers, and in the other, the New York Giants.

Now it should go without saying that I want the Packers to lose. I'm a Minnesota fan! It's in our blood…like drinking Premium and complaining about the weather no matter what the season. However, the Giants have had the Vikes number for years and I can't stand them. So…what's a girl to do? I could not care but that's no fun! I guess I will hope for a good game. The Patriots likely will take it all anyway.

My ode to the New Year’s resolution

January 10, 2008 - Thursday

To all you people clogging up my gym:
I can't decide whether I am happy or irritated with all the extra traffic.
Did you know that the average person doesn't make it to their 4th visit to the gym? So, for my sake, either get those three visits out of the way and get out or work out and change your lifestyle!